Coaching Churches

I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have been sorry in my life.  As I look back on all the mistakes I have made and the consequences I have suffered a clear pattern has developed.

Most of the time when I have been sorry it has been for the wrong reason.  I was sorry that I had been caught saying or doing the wrong thing and I knew that there was a price to be paid.

My sorrow was that I was not going to get to do what I wanted and it was nothing more than a form of self pity disguised as real quilt.  I was sorry because of the personal embarrassment factor and how people would think negatively of me as a person.

I also say I am sorry many times just to end an unpleasant conversation so that I do not have to deal with my own personal responsibility.  It can be a quick fix but never a permanent solution.

Sometimes I went a step further and really felt sorry for the damage I had done to other people.  Because of my actions they had to suffer and no one should ever feel good about that.

I will never forget the first time I really understood II Corinthians 7: 9, “Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance.  For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing.”

God is not very impressed with our prayers that merely tell him what He already knows about our mistakes.  What He is looking for is a genuine spiritual grief at what we have done because we have believed a lie by not trusting Him.

Sorrow is never real until we change what we believed in our minds to what God has already said in His word.  There really is a change of mind that always produces a change of direction.  Sorry, anything less is a disgrace to grace.

Why is it important to be sorry for the right reason?

This is the sixth in a series of ten posts on promises we should be willing to make to the people that matter the most in our lives.  A promise goes beyond a mere commitment to do something it carries the clear expectation that we are going to pay the price to do what we said we would do.

The first promise was I will sincerely listen to what you have to say.  Really listening to someone without a personal agenda communicates to them that they have value in your life and that you sincerely care.

The second promise was I will always tell you the truth.  Without this there can be no basis of trust, just ask Elizabeth Edwards how painful that can be.

The third promise is I will apologize when I am wrong.  When someone sincerely and genuinely apologizes we know two things.  They are willing to humble themselves and they want to restore their relationship with us because we still matter to them.

The forth promise is I will forgive you when you hurt me.  There can be no lasting peace in any relationship without the power of forgiveness.  This is even more critical when someone has come to us and sincerely apologized they are asking without saying it will you please forgive me.

The fifth promise is I will live with hope and believe the best.  Relationships are messy and there are always going to be times when people do or say things that upset us.  It is at that precise moment that we have a critical choice to make about how we process what we are hearing.  The bottom line is we will either choose to believe the best about the other person or we will assume the worst.

The sixth promise is I will not manipulate change in you.  This deals with our core motivation when we interact with other people.  If our goal in sharing with this person is to only tell them what they are doing wrong and why they should be the one to change then we are manipulating.

We must first assume personal responsibility for whatever percentage of the problem is our responsibility by admitting it and giving a sincere apology.  Then and only then are we ready to talk to the person about what they did in a way that will really try to help them to move forward as well.

It is very easy to see what other people are doing wrong and sometimes almost impossible to see the blind spots in our own lives.  When people first see our humility then they will be open to our advice.

This is the fifth in a series of ten posts on promises we should be willing to make to the people that matter the most in our lives.  A promise goes beyond a mere commitment to do something it carries the clear expectation that we are going to pay the price to do what we said we would do.

The first promise was I will sincerely listen to what you have to say.  Really listening to someone without a personal agenda communicates to them that they have value in your life and that you sincerely care.

The second promise was I will always tell you the truth.  Without this there can be no basis of trust, just ask Elizabeth Edwards how painful that can be.

The third promise is I will apologize when I am wrong.  When someone sincerely and genuinely apologizes we know two things.  They are willing to humble themselves and they want to restore their relationship with us because we still matter to them.

The forth promise is I will forgive you when you hurt me.  There can be no lasting peace in any relationship without the power of forgiveness.  This is even more critical when someone has come to us and sincerely apologized they are asking without saying it will you please forgive me.

The fifth promise is I will live with hope and believe the best.  Relationships are messy and there are always going to be times when people do or say things that upset us.  It is at that precise moment that we have a critical choice to make about how we process what we are hearing.

The motive behind the message a person is communicating is extremely important.  Most of the time it will not be immediately apparent what their motive is but every time we bring our own presuppositions and expectations into each conversation.

The bottom line is we will either choose to believe the best about the other person or we will assume the worst.  When we assume the worst we will walk away hurt or even bitter.  When we assume the best regardless of what they say and how upset they are we can give them a pass because we trust their heart.