Category Archive: Marriage

How To Deal With A Spouse's Bad Habits

Posted by on April 22, 2016

Marriage may be the single greatest leadership challenge in all of life.  First of all, these people know everything about us and there is no way to fake it. We also over time develop these lists of annoying things they do that drive us crazy.  So practically what should we do when the same old stuff keeps coming up over and over.  Mark Merrill has some advice:

“He left the toilet seat up…again. She interrupted me mid-sentence…again. She hounded me about that to-do item…again. He left his clothes in a heap on the bedroom floor…again.  Those annoying habits can be frustrating, especially when we’ve asked our spouse to stop doing them so many times.”

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Security and Significance Part III

Posted by on April 12, 2016

God has designed us so that the most important needs in our lives can only be met through Him.  His next priority is for us to be in a relationship with our spouse that reflects Christ unconditional love for the church and His willing submission to the will of the Father.

The trap I mentioned in the last post is that we can move our faith to the top of the list of personal priorities but we can substitute church for Christ.  Church in many ways is just like the emotional support we get from our career.

We can serve in an important role and gain significance through our responsibilities and tremendous encouragement from all the people we help.  Although these are certainly good things the danger of religion taking the place of a relationship is always emotionally seductive.

Even with faith at the top of the list and family in second place there are dangers there as well.  When husbands and wives do not place their personal relationship above all other people and the pain of rejection starts hurting both parties they move their remaining emotional energy to the children.

After all doing what is best for the children is a worthy goal and it brings great emotional significance.  It can be easy to justify hanging in a bad marriage “for the sake of the children.”

There is only one major problem, it will never work.  The most loving thing a parent can ever do for a child is to love God in a passionate real way and love their spouse with grace and humility.

Other people and other things can never give us what only God can provide unconditional love and lasting significance.  Beyond that the single most important relationship that we have in this life is with our spouse.  Church and children can be dangerous temporary substitutes but they too will leave us empty in the end.

The Problem Of Marginless Living

Posted by on March 11, 2016

In the past I have talked about the need to create margin in our lives.  Margin is the space that used to exist in all of our lives between all the physical, emotional and mental pressures of every day and our capacity to respond in a meaningful way to all of the people and circumstances that we must address.

The lack of margin is exactly the opposite when we have too many demands and not enough resources.  For most of us the public parts of our lives centered around our work life demands its percentage first.  I know people who can make million dollar decisions all day long at the office only to be so spent by the end of the day they can’t even decide if they want pizza or hamburgers for dinner.

They put other people first all day whether they are customers or co-workers only to come home with nothing left for a lonely spouse or stressed out children.  We may feel successful at times because of all the public praise that comes with making your numbers but at the end of the day we know something is terribly wrong.

Whatever it takes all of us must find the courage to stake out some core values that are non-negotiable.  This will allow us maybe for the first time in our lives to have the margin we need to live the life we want rather than the one someone else has scripted for us.

You have the capacity to write your own script, so take out your pen and start writing.

Find out what works for you to find time for the people that matter most.

Complacency: The Subtle And Silent Enemy Of Your Marriage

Posted by on March 7, 2016

When I talk with people who say they want to set personal goals around things they really want to change, I often hear this when I check in.  Yea, I really do want to do that but you know life got in the way.  That has become an all too familiar excuse for not doing the best things.  This is clearly a critical problem in a lot of marriages and Mark Merrill has some important reminders:

“The same is true of relationships, especially marriages. If you don’t nurture and nourish your relationships, they will begin to wither.  What starts out being comfortable can easily slide into complacency if we are not careful.”

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Why Speaking Well Of Your Spouse Is So Important

Posted by on February 24, 2016

A very legitimate issue we all face in today’s work culture is the expectation of bringing too much work home. A 40-50  hour work week and leave it at the office is not a reality in our ever more connected lives. However, what most company leaders are not valuing enough is that everyone also brings home to work and that dramatically effects their performance as well.   Michael Hyatt makes some great points in this important post:

“As a leader, the health of your marriage directly affects the impact of your leadership. I have witnessed this time and time again. Being effective at work or in ministry begins by being effective at home.”

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7 Keys To Marriage Maintenance

Posted by on January 25, 2016

I have now been married for 44 years and still realize that if I don’t evaluate the basics on a regular basis we can easily get into trouble.  Never assume that you have reached a point where it’s not important to do the little things because in a great marriage the little is really the big.  Mark Merrill has another great post:

“But owning a car also means learning how to maintain the car to keep it running well for a long time. In the same way, it’s critical to regularly maintain your marriage so it will last for life. So here are 7 keys to marriage maintenance.”

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7 Everyday Gifts For Your Family

Posted by on December 9, 2015

I am a horrible gift giver.  I guess I have to admit that I don’t know what people really want and even if I did, I still don’t nail it.  This time of the year makes me very nervous.  However, there are some gifts that are needed all during the year and Mark Merrill has a great list:

“Putting time and effort into choosing just the right present for someone is a great way of demonstrating how much they mean to you. However, Christmas, anniversaries, and birthdays come only once a year, and you don’t have to wait 12 months to give them something meaningful.  Here are seven gifts to give your spouse, your children, and others close to you every single day. ”

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How To Have Difficult Conversations

Posted by on December 4, 2015

This one took years to learn the hard way and I still routinely blow it to this day.  It is not enough to be right, you also have to say the right thing, the right way and last but not least at the right time.  If not the message is never heard by the way the messenger delivered it.  Mark Merrill has a great post:

“No matter how nice you are, no matter how nice the people around you are, there will be times when you need to have a difficult conversation. Occasional tough talks are just a part of life.  Maybe you have to talk with your spouse about a concern you have over something in your marriage.”

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How To Communicate Better In Marriage

Posted by on February 20, 2015

I really believe that whether you are similar or extremely different from you spouse both can be an advantage or a weaknesses depending upon your motives.  If you are different and your motive is to complete then it’s an advantage but if your motive is manipulation then you will use that same difference for correction.  Mark Merrill has some great practical insights on better communication:

“One of the greatest challenges in marriage is to learn how to talk and listen to a spouse who has a different style of communication than our own.”

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How To Make Big Family Decisions

Posted by on January 19, 2015

We will make hundreds of decisions this year and for the most part the risk is very low.  However, there will be one to three big decisions that could be game changers for you and your family.  Mark Merrill covers the bases:

“In 2015, your family will very likely face some big decisions. Some decisions you’ll see coming and others will need to be made without warning. These big decisions can put a lot of stress on a marriage and family.  Should you stay in your current job, or chase a new one, or keep looking for that job that seems so elusive?

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