Coaching Churches

This is one of those times that I am glad I am only writing the introduction to these posts and letting someone else drive the real content.  I have made all of the mistakes in this post plus some but since this is the most important person in my life I want to keep learning and be a better husband.  Mark Merrill is someone you should be following and he has some practical suggestions:

“Just when I think I’ve finally got it, I mess up and realize I still have a long way to go as a husband.  But after 25 years with my awesome bride, I have learned a thing or two about how best to communicate with her.”

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I have seen far too many marriages fall apart after the children leave the home and two people no longer even know each other anymore.  Marriage in many ways can get harder as the years go by and we have to be constantly learning how to be a better spouse.  Ron Edmondson has some great insight:

“For years working with couples I would ask them how strong their marriage was on a scale of 1 to 10. I just wanted to see where they felt they were and how far apart they were from each other.”

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For the most part the majority of us are not good listeners.  How many times do we already start thinking about what we should say before someone else is finished talking?  We all drift off in meetings and hope we don’t get caught surfing on our smart phones.  The ultimate failure is when we don’t listen to the people that matter most.  Mark Merrill has some things we men need to hear:

Okay, men. You get home from work, walk in the door, and your wife starts talking about her day. Frustrations with her boss at work, her lunch with a friend, and challenges with a child are the first things she shares.”

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Regardless of what our culture tries to tell us there are tremendous differences between the emotional needs of men and women.  This is especially the case in the context of a marriage relationship and sometimes without even knowing we are deeply hurting our spouses.  This a great post by Ron Edmondson and will maybe give some new insights to how men are wired:

“I was talking to a man the other day. He’s injured. Not severely. He will survive. Hopefully. The wounds aren’t deep. Right now. But, he is injured.

It’s an emotional injury. Sometimes those are the worst kind of hurts.”

I am sure the husbands version is coming but for the ladies these are powerful words.  Read More …

Have you ever been in a fight with your spouse and by the end of the argument you can’t even remember what started it all in the first place.  When we get in conflict our natural response is to avoid pain and cast blame.  In reality its never just one person’s fault and we need to own our part of the problem.  This post was a good reminder for me:

In his book, Learning to Live with the Love of Your Life… And Loving It!, Dr. Neil Clark Warren provides eight secrets to working through conflict with your spouse.

1. Marriage is a “We” Business

Dr. Warren says, “Any couple who gains a ‘we’ perspective eventually experiences great success in marriage.” Shift the focus of your marriage to a “we” mentality, especially in conflict.

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All marriages are performance based to some degree because we are all human.  However, we should never manipulate change in the other person just to have our needs met.  We need to minister and meet their needs and trust the changing to God.  Mark Merrill has some practical tips on breaking this cycle:

“Does this sound familiar to you?

“Honey, if you would just plan fun things for us to do, then I would spend more time with you.”

“If you would spend more time with me, then I wouldn’t be so cranky.”

“If you weren’t so cranky, then I would plan fun things for us to do.”

To break this cycle someone has to lead and in my opinion that should be the husband’s role.  Read More …