Category Archive: Marriage

Feelings Of Worthlessness

Posted by on December 2, 2013

At some point in time we all feel like failures and seem to loose the will to carry on with life.  The challenges of work and the strain of our family life can overwhelm us to the point we even doubt ourselves and our value in living.  When you get to these trying times Mark Merrill reminds us of some important truths:

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.  So many people are desperate in their marriages and in other relationships. They are suffering in silence with feelings of inadequacy and failure and don’t know what to do about it.

So how do you battle these lies of worthlessness and begin to understand the truth that you are valuable?”

Read More …

 

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12 Things Cause Marriage To Fail

Posted by on September 24, 2013

The is another great post by Mark Merrill that reminds all of us of some things we already know about marriage but so easily forget in the daily pressure of life.

“Of course you don’t want your marriage to fail, do you? You want it to last for life. But if too many of the things listed below are too often a part of your life, then you may be on a dangerous road in your relationship.

Read More …

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6 Ways To Make Emotional Deposits

Posted by on September 3, 2013

We are all familiar with the metaphor of making emotional deposits and taking withdrawals from another person both personally and professionally.  When you end up taking more than you give to another person you end up with a negative balance and believe me there are serious fees and late charges involved.

Stephen Covey in his great book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People gives us six ways that we can make sure we are making deposits on a consistent basis with another person:

  1. Understanding the Individual—really seeking to understand another person is probably one of the most important deposits you can make, and it is the key to every other deposit.  You simply don’t know what constitutes a deposit to another person until you understand that individual.
  2. Attending to the Little Things—the little kindnesses and courtesies are so important.  Small discourtesies, little unkindness’s, little forms of disrespect make large withdrawals.  In relationships, the little things are the big things.
  3. Keeping Commitments—keeping a commitment or a promise is a major deposit; breaking one is a major withdrawal.  In fact, there’s probably not a more massive withdrawal than to make a promise that’s important to someone and then not to come through.
  4. Clarifying Expectations—the cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in conflicting or ambiguous expectations around roles and goals.  That’s why it’s so important whenever you come into a new situation to get all the expectations out on the table.
  5. Showing Personal Integrity—personal integrity generates trust and is the basis of many different kinds of deposits. One of the most important ways to manifest integrity is to be loyal to those who are not present because that builds trust with those who are.
  6. Apologizing Sincerely When You Make a Withdrawal—when we make withdrawals from the Emotional Bank Account, we need to apologize and we need to do in sincerely.  Great deposits come in the sincere words we share with the people we have hurt.

What are some ways that have worked for you to make emotional deposits?

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Marriage Must Have Love & Respect

Posted by on August 16, 2013

There have been a lot of great marriage books written over the last twenty years.  The Marriage Builder by Larry Crabb is probably the best based on how our individual needs for security and significance impact our relationship with our spouse.

Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is extremely good from the standpoint of giving a simple foundational framework for the major role that each partner needs to play in the marriage.  Then the book gives lots of practical applications and illustrations on how to live this out in real world.

He writes that the husband should love his wife by:

  1. Closeness—she wants you to be close
  2. Openness—she wants you to open up to her
  3. Understanding—don’t try to fix her; just listen
  4. Peacemaking—she wants you to say, “I’m Sorry”
  5. Loyalty—she needs to know you’re committed
  6. Esteem—she wants you to honor and cherish her

The wife should respect her husband by:

  1. Conquest—appreciate his desire to work and achieve
  2. Hierarchy—appreciate his desire to protect and provide
  3. Authority—appreciate his desire to serve and to lead
  4. Insight—appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel
  5. Relationship—appreciate his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship
  6. Sexuality—appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy

One of the very helpful points that he continues to make throughout the book is just because our needs make us so different that does not make either of us wrong.  When we assume the best about our spouse’s motives then we can give them the benefit of the doubt when they fall short of giving us what we want and need.

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The Danger Of Debt

Posted by on April 5, 2013

There is wide agreement among most evangelicals that acquiring debt as a principle is not sinful but the accumulation of it can be devastating.  The borrower is indeed servant to the lender and when we use debt instead of living within our means then we have crossed a line that can lead to broken homes and failed businesses.

As someone who has counseled many couples with marriage problems a clear majority of the time financial problems are near top of the list.  When couples do not take the time to develop budgets that reflect their mutual priorities in life then they eventually grow emotionally distant because they are trying to find happiness in things rather than relationships.

In a very real sense when we consistently have a lifestyle that is supported by debt rather than income we are living a lie.  Whether it’s the clothes we wear, the car we drive or the home we live in, the bottom line is we are trying to meet a real need in the wrong way.

The only way we can maintain our integrity as a believer is to make sure when we have to acquire debt that we clearly have the means to pay it back within a reasonable time period.  When we fail to pay our bills on time and in full we damage our testimony as a Christian and lost people see absolutely no difference in our values than the rest of the world.

God tells us clearly in His word that if we cannot be trusted with material things then we surely cannot be trusted with the deeper and more important spiritual truths in life.  He promised to meet our basic needs but we must all come to the place of answering the question: How much is enough?

The ability to gain wealth according to scripture comes from God.  He expects us to use that ability wisely and yes meet our needs but more than that have plenty left over to share with those who do not have enough food or water to make it another day.

 

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Security and Significance Part II

Posted by on March 11, 2012

The need to be unconditionally loved and to know that our lives have value and meaning are fundamental to every person on the planet.  We all must have these needs met to some degree and therefore we will keep searching until we find some measure of fulfillment.

We start out in life with our family being the major source of love, protection and encouragement.  When we are in high school and even through our twenties a transition takes place and the two major sources of meeting these needs are now fun and friends.  That is why being a part of some community moves to the top of most young adult’s agenda and they will pay any price to be accepted.

By the time we reach our late twenties we have to start thinking about the future and a career.  For many people the success and emotional support that is offered through work moves this provider to the top of the list.

Family moves back into the list when we get married and eventually start having children of our own.  We even now feel the need to get back in church again so that our children can get what they need as well.

Faith and Family surely will be the answer to meeting our deepest emotional needs for security and significance.  Actually, they can become the biggest trap because even though they are good things they can keep you from the best.

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Leaving Legacy

Posted by on October 12, 2010

The real question is not will you leave a legacy but what kind will it be?  An even more important question is what do you want it to be?

It is amazing how proficient we have become in establishing clear and attainable goals in the business sector.  We can break down our plans into daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, annual, and beyond to ensure that we accomplish what we have determined is important.

I am convinced the reason we do not give the same amount of passion and excellence to our private lives is that we have never taken the time to define what is really important.  This lack of prioritization leads to a hope it all works out mentality that would not last for one week in the hit your numbers or else corporate sector.

Most people I have talked with over the years will tell you that in the end the personal part of their life that includes family and friends is really more important to them than the public part.  If so, then why this huge disconnect?

It all goes back to understanding Covey’s time matrix in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  Almost everything in our public lives fits into the urgent category.  They demand that we respond even though many of the things we do every day are not really important at all.

The people we care about the most fit into an important category that is not urgent.  Ball games, piano recitals and dates with your spouse will not scream in your face but they are the things that make up your legacy.

Don’t wait for the heart attack or cancer, have the courage to take a major time out and define in very specific terms what really matters so that in the end you will leave this world a better place than you found it.

 

 

 

 

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The Danger Of Debt

Posted by on April 5, 2010

There is wide agreement among most evangelicals that acquiring debt as a principle is not sinful but the accumulation of it can be devastating.  The borrower is indeed servant to the lender and when we use debt instead of living within our means then we have crossed a line that can lead to broken homes and failed businesses. 

As someone who has counseled many couples with marriage problems a clear majority of the time financial problems are near top of the list.  When couples do not take the time to develop budgets that reflect their mutual priorities in life then they eventually grow emotionally distant because they are trying to find happiness in things rather than relationships.

In a very real sense when we consistently have a lifestyle that is supported by debt rather than income we are living a lie.  Whether it’s the clothes we wear, the car we drive or the home we live in, the bottom line is we are trying to meet a real need in the wrong way.

The only way we can maintain our integrity as a believer is to make sure when we have to acquire debt that we clearly have the means to pay it back within a reasonable time period.  When we fail to pay our bills on time and in full we damage our testimony as a Christian and lost people see absolutely no difference in our values than the rest of the world.

God tells us clearly in His word that if we cannot be trusted with material things then we surely cannot be trusted with the deeper and more important spiritual truths in life.  He promised to meet our basic needs but we must all come to the place of answering the question: How much is enough?

The ability to gain wealth according to scripture comes from God.  He expects us to use that ability wisely and yes meet our needs but more than that have plenty left over to share with those who do not have enough food or water to make it another day.

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Calendars and Checkbooks

Posted by on March 1, 2010

We all want to accomplish the things that are really important in life and learn the discipline to walk away from everything else.  Most of us have not taken the time to write down specific goals in a life plan that involves everything personal, family, faith, friends and our professional lives.

So how do we know if we are just filling our schedules with things to do without any serious evaluation or if those are the things that should even be done at all?  We don’t want to get to the end of our lives and look back realizing that a lot of our time was totally wasted on things that don’t really matter.

A great place to start is to evaluate how we are spending our time and our money.  Calendars can tell us a lot about our core values and priorities because they reflect the choices we are making.  No doubt some of our time is not our own to schedule but how we are spending a large percentage of it reflects what is really a priority and what is not.

Are you making time for the people and relationships that you care about the most or are they getting the leftovers at best?  If you really  want to know take the time to track how you are spending your time for at least a month.  You will be amazed how much of it is scheduled based on what appears to be urgent at the time but in the end is not really important at all.

The next big indicator of what is a priority in our lives is to look at how we are spending our finances.  If we are living beyond our means and accumulating unnecessary debt then we have a major character problem that must be addressed.

More stress is brought into marriage by this one area than almost anything else.  The only solution is again to write down a budget that includes all of your expenses and then have the discipline to post all your transactions and make necessary adjustments to live within your income.

You may think this sounds like way too much work to me and I am already busy enough.  Trust me you are already using calendars and checkbooks anyway but you may not be gaining any of the benefits of leading your life instead of just letting it happen.

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Love & Respect

Posted by on August 4, 2009

There have been a lot of great marriage books written over the last twenty years.  The Marriage Builder by Larry Crabb is probably the best based on how our individual needs for security and significance impact our relationship with our spouse.

Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is extremely good from the standpoint of giving a simple foundational framework for the major role that each partner needs to play in the marriage.  Then the book gives lots of practical applications and illustrations on how to live this out in real world.

He writes that the husband should love his wife by:

1.      Closeness—she wants you to be close

2.      Openness—she wants you to open up to her

3.      Understanding—don’t try to fix her; just listen

4.      Peacemaking—she wants you to say, “I’m Sorry”

5.      Loyalty—she needs to know you’re committed

6.      Esteem—she wants you to honor and cherish her

The wife should respect her husband by:

1.      Conquest—appreciate his desire to work and achieve

2.      Hierarchy—appreciate his desire to protect and provide

3.      Authority—appreciate his desire to serve and to lead

4.      Insight—appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel

5.      Relationship—appreciate his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship

6.      Sexuality—appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy

One of the very helpful points that he continues to make throughout the book is just because our needs make us so different that does not make either of us wrong.  When we assume the best about our spouse’s motives then we can give them the benefit of the doubt when they fall short of giving us what we want and need.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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