Category Archive: Personal Leadership

Shut Up And Listen

Posted by on June 19, 2009

This phrase is not only the title for one of the chapters in Mark DeMoss’s book on Wisdom but it is also incredibly good advice.  To make his point he uses the confirmation hearings of Justice Samuel Alito where most senators spent almost all of their allotted thirty minutes for asking questions pontificating about their own political bias.  At the end of the day we learned very little about the new prospective judge because he had no time to talk.

Mark has many great insights in this book and on this subject he writes, “It’s safe to say that in my life I have never learned a single thing while I was talking.”  On the other hand his willingness to close his mouth and open his ears has given him a tremendous amount of knowledge from a variety of different people.

In corporate culture today the priority is on participative leadership that makes sure everyone on the team has a voice in the conversation.  For that to happen the people that used to do all of the talking have to discipline themselves to now do most of the listening.  Mark has another great quote when he says, “To dominate a meeting or conversation is not power, informed good judgment is power.”

When someone is a great listener it says several things about them.  First they are learners by nature and they seek out other people who can teach them something.  Second they are also humble because they do not always have to be the expert on everything and they are willing to be quiet and even give someone else the credit.  Finally they are relational because they want the other person to know that what they have to say and who they are as a person is important to them.

Mark believes that when a person is not a good listener, “it’s like standing on a balcony over breathtaking panorama and using the entire time to stare into a mirror.”  OUCH!!

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Resolving Conflict

Posted by on June 17, 2009

All of us at some point in time will have conflict and disagreements with someone else either in our personal lives or professionally at work.  These situations can be painful at times but seeking resolution is the only way to maintain positive momentum in your life.

There are at least three critical steps that you must take if you want to restore the relationship and move forward in your own life.

1.       Own Your Part—In every disagreement there are always two sides to the story.  I have never known a situation where there was not some responsibility for the problem with both parties.  If we think the other party is the major offender then we tend to wait for them to make the first move.  Instead we need to take whatever percentage of the problem is ours even if it’s minor and do what we need to do to admit it and ask for forgiveness regardless of what the other person does.

2.      Talk Person Privately—Most of the time when we are having problems with another person we tend to go to other people first and complain or try to find emotional support.  What we should do is go privately to the person who offended us first and tell them in a respectful way why we are offended and give them a chance to respond.  When we are talking about someone else to another person rather than talking to them the situation will only get worse.

3.      Give Benefit Of Doubt—When we sense that a conversation is not going well and we can tell it may hurt us we have a decision to make.  We can either assume the worst about the other person’s motives or we can believe the best.  Many times if we can give them the benefit of the doubt at this critical moment then even though it may still hurt there will be no lasting damage because we give them a pass because we trust their heart.

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Promises We Make

Posted by on June 16, 2009

This is the forth in a series of ten posts on promises we should be willing to make to the people that matter the most in our lives.  A promise goes beyond a mere commitment to do something it carries the clear expectation that we are going to pay the price to do what we said we would do.

The first promise was I will sincerely listen to what you have to say.  Really listening to someone without a personal agenda communicates to them that they have value in your life and that you sincerely care.

The second promise was I will always tell you the truth.  Without this there can be no basis of trust, just ask Elizabeth Edwards how painful that can be.

The third promise is I will apologize when I am wrong.  When someone sincerely and genuinely apologizes we know two things.  They are willing to humble themselves and they want to restore their relationship with us because we still matter to them.

The forth promise is I will forgive you when you hurt me.  There can be no lasting peace in any relationship without the power of forgiveness.  This is even more critical when someone has come to us and sincerely apologized they are asking without saying it will you please forgive me?

Forgiveness does not mean that we have the ability to forget what has happened to us but it does mean that we no longer hold that offense against the other person.  This will allow us to learn from the past and not force us to continue to live in it will all its negative memories.

The key thing about giving someone else forgiveness is that you must first have received it yourself.  You may only see your percentage of the responsibility at twenty percent but you must assume responsibility to seek forgiveness for your part before you can move on and release the other person.

This is a promise worth making to the people you care about the most in your life.

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The Power Of Momentum

Posted by on June 15, 2009

There are very few things more difficult to deal with in your personal or professional life than a loss of momentum.  It can be brought on by some major tragedy or a series of small compromises over a very long period of time.

Eventually we get to a place where we start worrying about things outside our control and that drains us of what little emotional energy we have left.  Also because we are so focused on the negative we stop doing the things we should and can do and that brings even more despair.

The only way to break this cycle is to start doing what you can do and build some small daily wins into your life.  This principle works with individuals as well as organizations.

With every small win comes movement and that generates confidence that things are finally headed in the right direction.  When we regain our confidence then we attempt even more things that product even bigger wins and the power of the momentum begins to put the wind back in our sails.

It is very ironic that when we get to the places of greatest difficulty in our lives it is the very smallest of things that can break the downward cycle.  We are desperately searching for the big answer that is going to solve all our problems when the solution was right in front of us all the time.

The good news is that the power of momentum works in a positive way to an even greater degree than it does toward the negative.  When you repeatedly do what you can do daily the positive flow of your life moves you beyond all the negative issues that may still be there but now they are in the proper perspective.

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Law Of Harvest

Posted by on June 10, 2009

There are many biblical principles taught in scripture and this may be the most important one.  It is foundational to understanding how the Christian life works on a very practical daily level.

The simplest way of stating this principle is that you will eventually reap what you sow .  If you consistently fill your mind with the truth then you should reap all of the benefits of many good decisions.

On the other hand, if you fill your mind with other things then the result will be believing the wrong thing.  Many times we act with even more passion when we believe a lie because the resulting behavior produces pain and rejection.  At this point we really do not want to admit we were wrong.

Another important part of this principle is that we will also reap to the degree we sow.  If we spend little time in God’s word then the result will be a double minded life that is constantly being tossed about with no clear direction.

The next major piece of this principle is that we have a responsibility for the maintenance of the soil where the seed will fall.  If our minds are cluttered with many other things then the truth cannot be heard because all the other noise will drown it out.

Finally, I must go back and deal with that very important word eventually.  Sometimes people are making bad decisions and yet see no immediate negative consequences.  In sharp contrast many people are doing the right thing and have not seen the benefits of walking by faith in the truth.

God in His perfect timing will bring in the harvest.  We all will reap what we have sown.  No suffering for the present time is joyful but it will yield the peaceful fruit of a surrendered life.

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How To Create A Legacy

Posted by on June 8, 2009

 

I have attended a lot of funerals over the years and the one common denominator is in every service someone is trying to communicate the legacy of the person who has died.  There are some patterns I have noticed when people have lived their lives in such a way that truly leaves a mark on the world. 

Begin With End In Mind-All of the people that really made a difference took the long look about life and determined what they wanted the top priorities to be in their lives when it was over.  When a person values friendships then you can see a pattern from there earliest years all throughout their lives where other people came first.  If you want to be known for something later then you need to live it now. 

Leave Something Better Than Found It- This is the type of person that is always trying to help others be successful and is not consumed about themselves.  If they are a leader in the corporate world they are not looking out for number one they want the department or the corporation to be better when they leave than when they came.  The true test of someone’s leadership is not when he or she is there but what happens when they are gone. 

Gave Away More Than They Took–  In the end people are either more consumers or contributors.  They see other people as a means to their end or they see other people as the target of their generous spirit.  These are the people that are always adding value to whatever they do from community involvement, relationships, work and faith.  They simply love to give more than they take and people are moved by their humility and servant heart. 

It is never to late to work on your legacy.  The really important thing is taking the time to decide what you want it to be and then when the time comes other people will gladly step up and write your eulogy for you.

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Goals vs. Desires

Posted by on June 5, 2009

 

Many times we put a tremendous amount of emotional energy and effort into something only to realize that nothing has changed.  We are worn out with all the work and feel very empty because we are not getting any positive results. 

The core problem most of the time when this happens in my life is when I confuse goals and desires.  A desire is something I want to happen but in the end have no control over the outcome.  On the other hand a goal is something I want or need and do have direct control over the outcome. 

For example you could have a relationship that you care about deeply but no matter how hard you try the other person seems to be unresponsive.  Even though my motives may be right when my methods center around trying to change the other person I have taken a desire and turned it into a goal. 

In relationships the only goal that I should ever have is to change myself.  In doing that it may indeed have a positive impact on the other person but that must remain a desire and never become a goal. 

We hit the wall when we are working on things over which we have no control and that drains us.  Even worse it keeps us from doing the very things we can control and that discourages us. 

This principle applies both to our personal and professional lives.  None of us has the responsibility to solve the global recession but we do have control over our own character. 

The old axiom of do what you can with what you have right where you are is a great place to start.

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Coaching

Posted by on June 3, 2009

If you need help in making some major decisions in your life coaching may be exactly what you need.  There are many types of coaches available from executive, life, fitness and even spiritual.

The one major thing you need to understand about coaching is that it is not counseling or therapy.  The major focus will not be your past and the things that have gone wrong but the future and how you want it to look.

Great coaches don’t have the answers to all your questions.  Their role is to help you by knowing how to ask the right questions so you can see why you may be stuck and what your options are as you move forward.

A coach might ask, What is the one major area in your life you would like to change that would improve your life?  Then, What do you want that area to look like six months from now?  Finally, What do you need to do this week to start closing that gap?

Another important aspect of coaching is accountability.  It really helps when you have someone who is on your side and offers the necessary what do you want to accomplish before our next time together type questions.

With this accountability comes encouragement that reminds you of what you said you wanted to do to change your life and gives you the confidence that you can make it happen.

My experience in using a coach was incredible.  So what are you waiting for give them a no charge to you first call and see if it feels like a good fit.

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The Importance of Knowing Life Purpose

Posted by on May 29, 2009

In a day when our calendars are beyond full and yet our lives seem to be empty something has gone wrong.  We in many cases have assumed because we are busy the things we are doing must be important.

We clearly have shifted the focus from being as a person to doing and what we are able to accomplish.  Technology has helped us in many cases simply to do the wrong things faster.

The great paradoxes of our time have been summed up well by the Dalai Lama:

“We have more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees, but less sense…more knowledge but less judgment.

More experts, but more problems.

More medicines, but less healthiness.

We have been all the way to the moon and back but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.

We build more computers to hold more information that produce more copies than ever before, but have less communication.

We have become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods but weak digestion.

It is a time when there is much in the window but nothing in the room.”

For many of us we have been living the script for our lives that were given to us by someone else; parents, peers, friends or the culture we live in.  The time has come for us to have the courage to say no and the passion to write our own.

 

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Weisure Lifestyle

Posted by on May 26, 2009

Welcome to the latest new term to describe the tension that exist between life and work balance.  According to Dalton Conley a New York University sociologist, “increasingly it’s not clear what constitutes work and what constitutes fun time.”  You can read the entire article on CNN.com/living.

More and more people are using their smart phones and other technology to keep up with their 24-7 lifestyle that keeps them in almost constant contact with others.  At one minute we may be quote at work and receive a text message about last night’s game and then later while at quote home get an important email on major project.

It’s one thing to watch a fellow employee scroll through email during a meeting you are attending but now to see the same thing happening during the evening meal is a little harder to swallow.

Apple is probably not going to come up with an app that will schedule time everyday to unplug from all the information that is available to spend time with people who really matter in your life.  We are going to have to discipline ourselves to set some boundaries so that we can have the time we need to wind down and even quietly think without interruption.

Technology can be an incredibly good thing if we use it as a tool to improve our lives.  If we let it though it can easily change from a means to the end into the end itself and when it does that we all lose.

 

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