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Category Archive: Pastoral Leadership

How To Have Difficult Conversations When You Hate Conflict

Posted by on May 24, 2017

This issue is one of the hardest things I have to deal with in working with leaders who are wired to avoid conflict. My only effective coaching strategy is to show them through their own experience that the longer they wait the higher the price. So if you hate all the drama, deal with it early and the outcome will be well worth the risk. Excellent post by Joel Garfinkle:

“Avoiding or delaying a difficult conversation can hurt your relationships and create other negative outcomes. It may not feel natural at first, especially if you dread discord, but you can learn to dive into these tough talks by reframing your thoughts.

Begin from a place of curiosity and respect, and stop worrying about being liked. Conflict avoiders are often worried about their likability. While it’s natural to want to be liked, that’s not always the most important thing. Lean into the conversation with an open attitude and a genuine desire to learn. Start from a place of curiosity and respect — for both yourself and the other person. Genuine respect and vulnerability typically produce more of the same: mutual respect and shared vulnerability.”

3 Steps To Resolving Conflict

Posted by on May 19, 2017

All of us at some point in time will have conflict and disagreements with someone else either in our personal lives or professionally at work. These situations can be painful at times but seeking resolution is the only way to maintain positive momentum in your life.

There are at least three critical steps that you must take if you want to restore the relationship and move forward in your own life.

Own Your Part—In every disagreement there are always two sides to the story. I have never known a situation where there was not some responsibility for the problem with both parties. If we think the other party is the major offender then we tend to wait for them to make the first move. Instead we need to take whatever percentage of the problem is ours even if it’s minor and do what we need to do to admit it and ask for forgiveness regardless of what the other person does.
Talk To Person Privately—Most of the time when we are having problems with another person we tend to go to other people first and complain or try to find emotional support. What we should do is go privately to the person who offended us first and tell them in a respectful way why we are offended and give them a chance to respond. When we are talking about someone else to another person rather than talking to them the situation will only get worse.
Give Them Benefit Of Doubt—When we sense that a conversation is not going well and we can tell it may hurt us we have a decision to make. We can either assume the worst about the other person’s motives or we can believe the best. Many times if we can give them the benefit of the doubt at this critical moment then even though it may still hurt there will be no lasting damage because we give them a pass because we trust their heart.

The reason many times we can so easily see problems in other people is those same things live within us.

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Crashing Churches

Posted by on April 22, 2017

It seems that a week cannot go by without hearing about another church that is in crisis. The issues have gotten to the point where the entire community knows about the problems as well as people outside the area.

The amazing thing is that once you evaluate what went wrong in almost every situation it had nothing to do with a moral failure with the leader or some controversy concerning doctrine. At the end of the day, there was a leadership failure within the church that directly related to how people should relate to each other.

People on all sides of the issues, from the pastor to the pew do not apply the principles of Matthew 18 where you should go and talk directly to someone instead of talking about them behind their backs with other people. Often times these conversations are veiled under the acceptable premise of sharing prayer requests when in reality they are nothing more than gossip.

When someone comes to you with negative comments about another person you have an opportunity to be a part of the solution or a part of the problem. My first question is always the same, Have you talked with this person directly about this problem?

If the answer is no, I will not listen to what they have to say and I will challenge them to go and speak with the other person. If the answer is yes, and there are still issues then I will be glad to get involved and see if I can help resolve the conflict.

In the strictest sense this really is a theological problem. It is not one though where there is disagreement on what the scriptures say, it is simply a failure on all sides to be obedient to clear teaching that cannot be denied.

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5 Questions Leaders Should Be Asking All The Time

Posted by on April 16, 2017

For my first twenty years in corporate life, the leader was the answer man. The positional authority leader was always the one who could solve your problem or give you direction. In essence, the leader was responsible for answering all the questions. Today leadership theory and practice according to this HBR post, has shifted to more collaboration and now the leader needs to know how to ask great questions:

“The best teachers all have at least one thing in common: they ask great questions. They ask questions that force students to move beyond simple answers, that test their reasoning, that spark curiosity, and that generate new insights. They ask questions that inspire students to think, and to think deeply.

As a business leader, you might have years of experience and the confidence of your organization behind you, so it may be tempting to think that your job is to always have the right answers. But great leaders have to inspire the same curiosity, creativity, and deeper thinking in their employees that great teachers inspire in their students – and that starts with asking the right questions. Any answer is only as good as the question asked.”

Beyond The Walls

Posted by on March 21, 2017

The days of build it and they will come are over for churches. We may not want to admit it but for most Christians when they talk about church in their minds it’s about what happens at the buildings and not out in the community.

I recently met with a very successful committed Christian who is a pediatrician who wanted to grow more spiritually and get more involved in ministry. It was obvious to me from the very start of the conversation this meant to him taking on more responsibility at the church.

I began to share with him the vision that he could do more through his practice to reach young couples for Christ than we could ever do at the building. They would not even come to the building to hear Billy Graham but they were several new couples sitting in his waiting room every week expecting their first child.

In this postmodern age, we must never minimize the importance of the church gathered for worship and ministry but we must prioritize the church scattered for evangelism and missions. We must find new ways to take the gospel to where people live, work and play.

By the end of the conversation the light had come on for my friend because he no longer had a career but he now had a calling. That’s what happens when you change the definition of success from increasing profits to impacting people.

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Law Of Harvest

Posted by on March 10, 2017

There are many biblical principles taught in scripture and this may be the most important one. It is foundational to understanding how the Christian life works on a very practical daily level.

The simplest way of stating this principle is that you will eventually reap what you sow . If you consistently fill your mind with the truth then you should reap all of the benefits of many good decisions.

On the other hand, if you fill your mind with other things then the result will be believing the wrong thing. Many times we act with even more passion when we believe a lie because the resulting behavior produces pain and rejection. At this point we really do not want to admit we were wrong.

Another important part of this principle is that we will also reap to the degree we sow. If we spend little time in God’s word then the result will be a double minded life that is constantly being tossed about with no clear direction.

The next major piece of this principle is that we have a responsibility for the maintenance of the soil where the seed will fall. If our minds are cluttered with many other things then the truth cannot be heard because all the other noise will drown it out.

Finally, I must go back and deal with that very important word eventually. Sometimes people are making bad decisions and yet see no immediate negative consequences. In sharp contrast many people are doing the right thing and have not seen the benefits of walking by faith in the truth.

God in His perfect timing will bring in the harvest. We all will reap what we have sown. No suffering for the present time is joyful but it will yield the peaceful fruit of a surrendered life.

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Changing Role Of The Pastor

Posted by on March 5, 2017

In all of my years studying and leading churches the changing role of the pastor and the laity within the local church is probably one of the most misunderstood and potentially damaging issues facing the church. The biblical model is incredibly clear, the pastor is God’s gift to the church and his role is to lead the church by equipping the laity to do the work of the ministry.

Tragically in most small churches the laity hires a pastor to do the work of the ministry and they run the church. The pastor is to preach, visit, counsel, attend meetings, conduct funerals and weddings and the people once a month conduct the business of the church.

As the church starts to grow additional staff is hired and the old culture begins to be threatened. Now the pastor is expected to do everything he has always done and manage an ever growing staff and minister to an even larger number of people. New buildings are being built and the financial administration becomes complicated.

Many pastors hit the wall at this point because they are not gifted to make the transition from shepherd of the flock to leader of the people. The expectation level of the people has not changed and they are simply left with more work and all the issues that come with personnel problems.

The major reason though these changes do not occur is not because the pastor cannot change his leadership style but the people are not willing to delegate control to staff and lay leaders and assume their God given role of ministry responsibility.

When a church reaches over three hundred the pastor cannot continue to visit every member in the hospital and every member of the church does not need to be involved in picking the paint color for the kitchen renovation. These transitions of roles will continue to occur every time you reach an additional five hundred people or the church will simply stop growing.

There are a lot of legitimate and complicated reasons people are not being reached for Christ. This should not be one of them.

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Worship Wars Are Not Glorifying

Posted by on February 19, 2017

This is a subject that really breaks my heart because the pain that has been suffered by so many good people is so unnecessary. If this issue is not dealt with in a thoroughly biblical manner most of our current churches will stop reaching the next generation and will eventually die.

To be sure our people should be spiritually mature enough to not insist on their own personal musical preference so that others may come to Christ. However, poor leadership has caused far more problems than “older adults” that only want their hymns.

For at least 50 years or longer one basic musical style was enjoyed by both the World War II and the Baby Boomer generations. Large choirs and orchestras were the preferred choice that could lead a primarily performance style of service that was a blessing to many.

Today the emphasis has shifted to participation styles of music that involve the people in worship and praise. In our current services it is no longer come sit, watch and listen as it is get involved and enjoy.

I think every generation has its own heart language when it comes to music in worship. The problem comes when we try to force everyone into one box and demand they like it or leave.

I think the days of building one massive worship center are over. As soon as your church grows large enough for multiple services you are already multi-congregational. At that point if you are reaching different age groups you can choose to be multi-generational.

Then when you plan a service ask yourself one simple question, who is in the room and what do they need from the music and the message to help them move into the presence of God?

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3 Must Do's Before Termination

Posted by on January 25, 2017

There may be nothing harder to do as a leader than make the decision to terminate an employee. To be honest we feel to some degree we have failed and that is hard to accept.

This is especially true if we hired the person in the first place. Not only have they failed but now our performance as a leader may be in question also. We cannot let our own emotional need for personal success stand in the way of doing what is right for the organization.

There are three critical things that I must do as a leader before I feel that my responsibility has been completed prior to any termination. The first is to provide clear expectations of what is required in their job description. It is impossible for someone to meet your expectations if they have not been clearly communicated early and often.

The second important thing is to make sure the person has had adequate training and resources to complete their job successfully. It is not fair to ask someone to grow a particular area and not give them the financial and manpower assets they need to be effective.

The last issue for me is a comprehensive and ongoing feedback system that lets a person know exactly where they stand in the area of performance. It is not right to see someone make mistakes day after day and stick your head in the sand hoping it will go away only to drop a bomb on them at annual review or even worse an unexpected termination. If you do not have the leadership skills to positively confront someone about what they are doing wrong then you may be the one in the wrong job and not them.

If you have done all of these three things well and given this person every opportunity to improve and they don’t then you should feel no guilt or sense of failure. Never obsess on the five to ten percent of your staff that may need to go every year. What is extremely important is to remember the ninety to ninety five percent who are doing their jobs well and are watching to see if you have the character as their leader to pull the trigger.

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Core Values For The Church

Posted by on January 6, 2017

If you are going to accomplish anything important in life then you must identify your core values that will determine all of your priorities and goals for your personal life or the organization you lead. If you are a church then here are some values that you might consider.

Authentic—We believe the role of the church is to help represent the biblical truth about God to the world.

Relevant—That truth is to be shared so that people can apply it every day in their real world

Significance—Every person is important and we want them to find value and meaning in life through a relationship with Jesus Christ

Transformation—We want to help everyone grow in that relationship with Christ so they can reach their own unique potential

Community—Connecting with other people in genuine relationships is where personal fulfillment is found

Involvement—Moving beyond ourselves and serving others is what produces lasting contentment

Missional—Every day we can change the world one person at a time through meeting their needs and sharing our story about what Christ has done in our lives

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